Also, as you say: “I don’t appreciate being put into a community by adjacency.” For me, since 2020 in particular, this often takes the form of people assuming that I’m in alignment with their beliefs, opinions, choices, and agendas - when, in certain core ways, I am not.
If they happen to find out that I don’t march in lockstep with their narrative of choice and groupthink of the moment, they become outraged, unfollow, unsubscribe, send nasty emails, etc. I never hid anything from them - I just didn’t match what they ASSUMED (and such assumptions are no doubt connected to the fact that I identify as “queer”). You can be queer and not identify as a Democrat or so-called progressive. You can be queer and have nuanced thoughts and questions. You can be queer and stand for true inclusion and freedom of speech - not limited to those who share your socio-economic status, opinions, worldviews, and beliefs.
And, it has to be said, so much of this current discussion (generally, not specific to this essay!) is America-centric. I don’t live in America (though I was born there). There’s a whole big world out there; not everyone has the same myopic vantage point as Americans raging on the internet.
Thank you Dana. Powerful comment indeed. I have most certainly read much of your own content in the subject. A polymathic being who is well-researched and well-represented in many communities need not adopt a singular community that has enjoined them—but rather be part of the entire community of mankind. If only we could. 🙏🤷🏻♂️
I so appreciate your thoughts on groups and communities. It brings to mind the Groucho Marx famous quote “I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.”
I suppose I much prefer Walt Whitman’s view of himself “Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)”. I tend to push back hard then walk away when anyone attempts to pigeon hole me. My contradiction to this is that I am enjoying the network (community ! Hah!) I am finding here 💞
Thanks Dee for this well thought out discussion. It's made me think about inclusion and making the tent bigger and the unlikelihood that it's actually helpful for the individuals in that community. It seems like the usual schtick of the pendulum swinging too far one way. However, as a middle age white woman of privilege I realize I have no bloody clue what I'm talking about when it comes to inclusion so it's all speculation.
This is an important conversation to open up and I appreciate you taking it on. Also, I hadn't heard that excellent James Clear quote before so thanks for sharing.
I enjoyed your note. It flows well with my developing hatred/disgust/fear of grouping. Put a label on any number of individuals, praise or cuss the manufactured group you’ve created, and …votes baby!
Interesting. Ever feel like you fall between the cracks of communities? Especially when you’re a varied person who has lived in many places.
Darien, CT? We were looking at homes in CT in 1999 and we asked the Darien broker if there was a Jewish community. “Uh, I believe there’s a uh,, synagogue? in Westport.” Hubby and I joked if we moved to Darien and if anyone else was looking for the Jewish community they would knock on our door. Hehe.
Hi Dee. I notice a lot of overused words in our culture. Community is definitely one of them, but so is tribe, connection, mindfulness, and my personal favorite - "trauma." I think we are a lonely culture. We look for ways to fit in that don't always lead to belonging. If we can find our tribe, our community, if we can connect are ways of wanting to belong and not feel so lonely. Unfortunately overused words tend to diminish in meaning.
I live in a community, defined by the fact that people live around me and we're all in this community together paying the same HOA fee. But I'm not particularly close with my neighbors, though when we had an ice storm here a couple of years ago and all the trees lost branches due to weight of the ice, people who barely spoke to each other came together to help one another. For a brief moment, we were all part of something bigger, being in service to each other. Maybe that's what's missing from the way the word community is over used. There needs to be some kind of caring for each other component behind the word. We don't exactly encourage being in service to one another in our culture. Yet when that ice storm happened, it really brought out the best in all of us. Now we're just back to waving to each other when we walk the dog, calling out "how ya'll doing?" -- which isn't really a question seeking an answer. As always, I love your thoughtful essays.
Love this but my weird humor can't help but think how everyone is also labeled by assumption these days or labeled one way in entirety because of a smaller expressed belief..... so hey I'm not anti-community I'm just not for anything I don't consciously choose, love how you said this, quote: "I want to belong to a community that I’ve joined. I don’t want to be included in a community for the purposes of political clout or community activism—unless I do so intentionally." --- I don't have community but I have a fur family and darnit that's alright with me. Tears for Fears mention has me jamming now, they are a fav.
This is so interesting, Dee, and so thought-provoking. Thank you.
This afternoon I attended a talk about how to navigate culture shock, and there was some discussion about how here in Indonesia, collectivism is the way of the nation. I haven't been here long enough to have a deep understanding of how it works, but it seems that community is not something you necessarily choose here, but something that's integral to your life through accidents of birth and religion, and it forever shapes your habits and identity. Seeing that from the outside, as a member of the "global nomad community", I'm fascinated by the cultural difference.
I’m really interested to hear more on that Michelle. We Americans certainly value our individualism over collectivism—but at the same time crave community. Just don’t tell us what to do! 😂
Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope your new digs are marvvy 🙏
Excellent thoughts - I just had a question which popped into my head as soon as I started reading. Individualizing - can that work? I don’t know. Yes I am so very different than anyone on the planet. I have a LOT in common with some and nothing in common with others. I live in a ;!)$:HOA neighborhood but am not really a big part of this community. However if I’m not part of a community of some kind, I think it would be quite lonely. We can be “like minded” without being exactly alike.
I may be getting your idea wrong because I do want to be part of some communities even if I am different from some of the individuals. So if that means I feel part of that community -it is my choice to be in that one. Is that your view? Because I choose it and not because someone else ‘chose’ it for me?
Thought-provoking discussion here, Dee. This tendency towards labeling has always irked me, especially when I get lumped into a label that doesn't fit me just because of assumed proximity. Like you, I want to belong, and that is something more than just a label. Having traveled all over the world, I know this isn't an idea unique to the U.S., however, for some reason we do tend to assign labels (and assume behaviors) much quicker than other cultures.
I feel this profoundly when I read “Academics are…” , “PhDs are/do/think…”, “single women in their 50s must…”, “people in the DMV believe…”, or “people from KY…”
I am almost wholly NOT what generally finishes those sentences regarding those communities.
Thank you Dee! And Thank you @StoneBryson for sharing
Ah man, beaten to it for the Marx quote! But it's true enough for me. I've been thinking about this a lot the last few years. Maybe too much. But it seems that a lot of "community" friction (as opposed to identity) comes from the same animal pack instinct we haven't thrown off or come to terms with. Male and female, black and white, region against region, neighbourhood against neighbourhood, sports team against spirts team... Difference is something we still flare up and bristle with instead of being rational. Of course, this without anything like poverty and state interference being taken into account. But that instinctive pack fear of difference and other seems to me to be a root that needs some attention.
Thanks Allison. Have you ever written an essay—I know you have—where after you publish it you realize you have about 100 more things to add to it? This topic was one of those for me. As you said—we’re being gamified and that’s a whole ‘nuther element to this subject of community.
Your comment got me thinking I need a Part 2 and 3 and… ☺️
Thanks for the mention, Dee! I love this discussion - in our “quick-to-label culture,” I’m becoming increasingly averse to self-labeling (which I wrote about here: https://danaleighlyons.substack.com/p/labels-self-identity-sober-queer ).
Also, as you say: “I don’t appreciate being put into a community by adjacency.” For me, since 2020 in particular, this often takes the form of people assuming that I’m in alignment with their beliefs, opinions, choices, and agendas - when, in certain core ways, I am not.
If they happen to find out that I don’t march in lockstep with their narrative of choice and groupthink of the moment, they become outraged, unfollow, unsubscribe, send nasty emails, etc. I never hid anything from them - I just didn’t match what they ASSUMED (and such assumptions are no doubt connected to the fact that I identify as “queer”). You can be queer and not identify as a Democrat or so-called progressive. You can be queer and have nuanced thoughts and questions. You can be queer and stand for true inclusion and freedom of speech - not limited to those who share your socio-economic status, opinions, worldviews, and beliefs.
And, it has to be said, so much of this current discussion (generally, not specific to this essay!) is America-centric. I don’t live in America (though I was born there). There’s a whole big world out there; not everyone has the same myopic vantage point as Americans raging on the internet.
Thank you Dana. Powerful comment indeed. I have most certainly read much of your own content in the subject. A polymathic being who is well-researched and well-represented in many communities need not adopt a singular community that has enjoined them—but rather be part of the entire community of mankind. If only we could. 🙏🤷🏻♂️
🙏
I so appreciate your thoughts on groups and communities. It brings to mind the Groucho Marx famous quote “I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.”
I suppose I much prefer Walt Whitman’s view of himself “Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)”. I tend to push back hard then walk away when anyone attempts to pigeon hole me. My contradiction to this is that I am enjoying the network (community ! Hah!) I am finding here 💞
I love the quotes Teyani—specially the Groucho one ☺️
Yes we are all multitudes.
Thank you for weighing in 🙏
Thanks Dee for this well thought out discussion. It's made me think about inclusion and making the tent bigger and the unlikelihood that it's actually helpful for the individuals in that community. It seems like the usual schtick of the pendulum swinging too far one way. However, as a middle age white woman of privilege I realize I have no bloody clue what I'm talking about when it comes to inclusion so it's all speculation.
This is an important conversation to open up and I appreciate you taking it on. Also, I hadn't heard that excellent James Clear quote before so thanks for sharing.
Thank you Donna. I certainly don’t have the answers—just the questions and how it makes me feel. I hope your enjoying every bit of your summer 🙏❤️
Thank you, it's been good. I hope you are too!
Yes ☺️
I enjoyed your note. It flows well with my developing hatred/disgust/fear of grouping. Put a label on any number of individuals, praise or cuss the manufactured group you’ve created, and …votes baby!
Thanks Paul!
Interesting. Ever feel like you fall between the cracks of communities? Especially when you’re a varied person who has lived in many places.
Darien, CT? We were looking at homes in CT in 1999 and we asked the Darien broker if there was a Jewish community. “Uh, I believe there’s a uh,, synagogue? in Westport.” Hubby and I joked if we moved to Darien and if anyone else was looking for the Jewish community they would knock on our door. Hehe.
Thanks for reading! Yeah I spose there are cracks but I’m pretty adept at stepping over them. Old childhood habits die hard 😂
Good question 🤔
“ In todays’ culture—particularly in politics and media and social media—why is Community so misunderstood and mis-applied?”
I don’t know the answer Queen Charlotte. But I do love exploring the question. ☺️
Hi Dee. I notice a lot of overused words in our culture. Community is definitely one of them, but so is tribe, connection, mindfulness, and my personal favorite - "trauma." I think we are a lonely culture. We look for ways to fit in that don't always lead to belonging. If we can find our tribe, our community, if we can connect are ways of wanting to belong and not feel so lonely. Unfortunately overused words tend to diminish in meaning.
I live in a community, defined by the fact that people live around me and we're all in this community together paying the same HOA fee. But I'm not particularly close with my neighbors, though when we had an ice storm here a couple of years ago and all the trees lost branches due to weight of the ice, people who barely spoke to each other came together to help one another. For a brief moment, we were all part of something bigger, being in service to each other. Maybe that's what's missing from the way the word community is over used. There needs to be some kind of caring for each other component behind the word. We don't exactly encourage being in service to one another in our culture. Yet when that ice storm happened, it really brought out the best in all of us. Now we're just back to waving to each other when we walk the dog, calling out "how ya'll doing?" -- which isn't really a question seeking an answer. As always, I love your thoughtful essays.
Love your comments Stephanie—thank you. Yeah we had the same experience during the ice storm and Snowmageddon 🙄
For me it all comes back to intention. I want to join cuz I want to belong. But don’t tell me what to do 😂
"But don't tell me what to do."
Yep -- As Willie Nelson says, "You can always tell a Texan, you just can't tell em' much."
😂
Love this but my weird humor can't help but think how everyone is also labeled by assumption these days or labeled one way in entirety because of a smaller expressed belief..... so hey I'm not anti-community I'm just not for anything I don't consciously choose, love how you said this, quote: "I want to belong to a community that I’ve joined. I don’t want to be included in a community for the purposes of political clout or community activism—unless I do so intentionally." --- I don't have community but I have a fur family and darnit that's alright with me. Tears for Fears mention has me jamming now, they are a fav.
Fur families are the best community 🐕❤️
Thanks for reading Angela.
This is so interesting, Dee, and so thought-provoking. Thank you.
This afternoon I attended a talk about how to navigate culture shock, and there was some discussion about how here in Indonesia, collectivism is the way of the nation. I haven't been here long enough to have a deep understanding of how it works, but it seems that community is not something you necessarily choose here, but something that's integral to your life through accidents of birth and religion, and it forever shapes your habits and identity. Seeing that from the outside, as a member of the "global nomad community", I'm fascinated by the cultural difference.
Thank you for the food for thought. 🙏
I’m really interested to hear more on that Michelle. We Americans certainly value our individualism over collectivism—but at the same time crave community. Just don’t tell us what to do! 😂
Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope your new digs are marvvy 🙏
Very Socratic of you in your conclusion. Good question.
Ding ding! 🛎️ we have a winner. Thanks Bill. You nailed my approach. It seems to help me understand things in my own little mind.
Excellent thoughts - I just had a question which popped into my head as soon as I started reading. Individualizing - can that work? I don’t know. Yes I am so very different than anyone on the planet. I have a LOT in common with some and nothing in common with others. I live in a ;!)$:HOA neighborhood but am not really a big part of this community. However if I’m not part of a community of some kind, I think it would be quite lonely. We can be “like minded” without being exactly alike.
I may be getting your idea wrong because I do want to be part of some communities even if I am different from some of the individuals. So if that means I feel part of that community -it is my choice to be in that one. Is that your view? Because I choose it and not because someone else ‘chose’ it for me?
Great thought provoking article Dee!
Thanks Pamela. Good to hear from you. ☺️
I think honesty my view changes—like most of us—if I’m willing to examine it.
I think I’m mixing up a few descriptors in the essay to make a point—but for me it’s all about intent. We all need to belong—that’s for sure. 🙏
Thought-provoking discussion here, Dee. This tendency towards labeling has always irked me, especially when I get lumped into a label that doesn't fit me just because of assumed proximity. Like you, I want to belong, and that is something more than just a label. Having traveled all over the world, I know this isn't an idea unique to the U.S., however, for some reason we do tend to assign labels (and assume behaviors) much quicker than other cultures.
Matthew I very much appreciate your comments here.
Thank you Southern White Retired Navy Writer Dude. It’s so easy and somehow it helps our brains categorize and place others. 🤷🏻♂️
Much to ponder and reflect on here.
I feel this profoundly when I read “Academics are…” , “PhDs are/do/think…”, “single women in their 50s must…”, “people in the DMV believe…”, or “people from KY…”
I am almost wholly NOT what generally finishes those sentences regarding those communities.
Thank you Dee! And Thank you @StoneBryson for sharing
Thank you Sandra 🙏 you are…kind.
Ah man, beaten to it for the Marx quote! But it's true enough for me. I've been thinking about this a lot the last few years. Maybe too much. But it seems that a lot of "community" friction (as opposed to identity) comes from the same animal pack instinct we haven't thrown off or come to terms with. Male and female, black and white, region against region, neighbourhood against neighbourhood, sports team against spirts team... Difference is something we still flare up and bristle with instead of being rational. Of course, this without anything like poverty and state interference being taken into account. But that instinctive pack fear of difference and other seems to me to be a root that needs some attention.
Agreed Drew. You should write about it.
I find the explanation of appreciating the communities you have actively joined vs the ones others have added you to really useful and interesting.
Thanks Noha. Trying to ask the questions to help me understand 🙏
LOL. We’re all being scaled 😂
Thanks Allison. Have you ever written an essay—I know you have—where after you publish it you realize you have about 100 more things to add to it? This topic was one of those for me. As you said—we’re being gamified and that’s a whole ‘nuther element to this subject of community.
Your comment got me thinking I need a Part 2 and 3 and… ☺️