Dee. This is fantastic. I really needed this today. I have nine days today. I had 9.5 months and relapsed. Now, I have nine days! I'm back in NA and doing IOP. I'd rather stay sober than get sober again. I don't have another relapse/detox in me. I will revisit this essay again and again. Thank you.
Dude that’s huge! Stay the course. You’re such a gifting writer and your pain will always be reachable—even when you’re not having to live in it everyday. 🙏🙏
Thanks for reading I’m so grateful if touched you.
Super powerful, Dee! I come across so many (well intentioned) people who just don't get how after 3 solid years of not drinking, I am still so focused on doing this work. My answer is always: it was never about the alcohol.
Thank you for your kind words Allison. I have no time for dry drunks. So many people in the rooms are consumed by an alternate addiction and aren’t really doing the work. But good for them—at least they’re not picking up a drink. 🙏
Thank you for putting this out there, Dee. It makes me feel better about the sponsees I've had over the years who have dropped out of the program. I always feel like I'm not a very good sponsor, but the reality is that we would get a certain distance up the road, and the person would balk and not want to go any further. It is so true that you really have to want this. That doesn't mean that some people don't really want it but just can't get to a functional point of processing that. That's where we try to help as much as we can. But a lot of the time it's just so hard to wrap one's mind around the hard work...because it is so hard.
(I do agree with Josh below, though, that the homeless situation - which I find devastating, especially in terms of the horrors of Fentanyl -- is influenced by a whole collection of systemic, cultural problems (which are part of all our bigger problems, of course). Having recently read Tracy Kidder's Rough Sleepers, I am trying to better understand the people and the larger problem.
Thanks Dee. Sorry to hear about your friend. Your article was spot on. We’ve all got something we’re trying to kick and it’s a constant work in progress. Keep up the good work!
What especially strikes me, Dee, in all this -- not for the first time, but especially this time -- is how much you came to understand about all this. How much you know about addiction, about recovery from addiction. The amount of time and work you will have put into acquiring the understanding. Forgive me if I've missed or forgotten about your discussing this elsewhere, but do you serve as a sponsor or coach for others? I know if I were struggling with addiction I'd be turning to you.
Lived experience—much of it should have killed me a few times over. I know it sounds weird to those who haven’t been there and back, but I’m grateful for all of the journey. And yes to your question. Nothing formal as that form of relationship is often too tenuous for business relationships. I’ve worked with many—as long the willingness remains on their part. Ever since I got clear-headed about it I’ve been deeply involved in the philanthropic side and always have a hand out to help.
Thought provoking post, one that deserves some mulling on my part. I trust your POV given your experience and how thoughtful you are about that experience. What I'm thinking about is how and whether socioeconomic class affects the want/need analysis you lay out so well. Thanks for making me think!
Thanks David. I appreciate you reading. To be sure there are larger forces at work in all of the elements of addiction, whether you’re speaking about drug access, access to treatment and care, certainly for food quality and access. But I have witnessed successful recovery across all socioeconomic boundaries—AA in particular tends to be extremely diverse in all directions. One common denominator remains the desire.
I applaud you Dee. You are able to convey complex ideas in an easy-to-understand way which is a gift. I have quit drinking two ways, the first time I was a drinker who was not drinking and the second time I began to recover myself. This experience gave me a solid perspective on true recovery!
The organization that helped me through it bears the motto "We are all recovering from something" which I love so much and you speak to so eloquently here. The paradigm shift begins in our mind with our beliefs.
Thanks you so much my friend. You’ve lived it and therefore know it to be true. There’s no substitute for experience. If those who might judge addicts could just think of their own struggles with change they might be less judgmental.
Your own writing about change has informed me in so many ways 🙏
This is so powerful, Dee. I love the questions you ask once the big emotions have subsided: "do you want to try something different? Are you ready to not feel the way you feel right now anymore?" That really is the crux of it. Once you're ready to try something different, you've bought your ticket for the most magical ride. Thank you foe your clear-eyed vision.
Thoughtful post, Dee. I think your want/need dichotomy is instructive in many of the scenarios you describe. Situations like homelessness and obesity are tethered to some systemic problems, such as the food system and mental health services. If people can't get the meds they need unless they're in jail, there's a whole cascade of consequences there that can't be placed solely at the feet of "want."
Similarly, the obesity problem looks pretty different from the vantage point of a parent. Fruits and veggies don't have their own advertising mascots. Just try coaching a youth team and proposing to parents that there's no need for treats after every game -- see how that goes over. Telling your kids that they don't need the Rice Krispy treat everyone else is getting doesn't go over terribly well, either. The flow of candy through schools and at every other place you take your kids, and the kind of choices available at fun places like amusement parks, sporting events, and otherwise wholesome family outings, only complicates matters. So you can make choices for what you eat at home, and you can try to instill those values in your kids, but you're also swimming against a pretty strong cultural current all the time.
There are policy reasons behind all of this that really place American kids at a disadvantage from an early age. It's one reason that I love gardening. But when many of your kids' memories associated with fun are also associated with junk food, that's a pretty powerful set of memories to try to reframe.
Dee - the reason I started writing more consistently is because my daughter struggled with addiction. It was the only way I could give voice to the terror and helplessness I felt. I eventually began sharing my writing because connecting with others struggling and getting their perspective served as a means of clarification.
My substack "An Artist's Journey" has become an extension of the visual work I do in my studio. Writing and creating art is what levels me in all the chaos.
Dee. This is fantastic. I really needed this today. I have nine days today. I had 9.5 months and relapsed. Now, I have nine days! I'm back in NA and doing IOP. I'd rather stay sober than get sober again. I don't have another relapse/detox in me. I will revisit this essay again and again. Thank you.
Dude that’s huge! Stay the course. You’re such a gifting writer and your pain will always be reachable—even when you’re not having to live in it everyday. 🙏🙏
Thanks for reading I’m so grateful if touched you.
Super powerful, Dee! I come across so many (well intentioned) people who just don't get how after 3 solid years of not drinking, I am still so focused on doing this work. My answer is always: it was never about the alcohol.
You nail it with this one. Thank you!
Thank you for your kind words Allison. I have no time for dry drunks. So many people in the rooms are consumed by an alternate addiction and aren’t really doing the work. But good for them—at least they’re not picking up a drink. 🙏
Thank you for putting this out there, Dee. It makes me feel better about the sponsees I've had over the years who have dropped out of the program. I always feel like I'm not a very good sponsor, but the reality is that we would get a certain distance up the road, and the person would balk and not want to go any further. It is so true that you really have to want this. That doesn't mean that some people don't really want it but just can't get to a functional point of processing that. That's where we try to help as much as we can. But a lot of the time it's just so hard to wrap one's mind around the hard work...because it is so hard.
(I do agree with Josh below, though, that the homeless situation - which I find devastating, especially in terms of the horrors of Fentanyl -- is influenced by a whole collection of systemic, cultural problems (which are part of all our bigger problems, of course). Having recently read Tracy Kidder's Rough Sleepers, I am trying to better understand the people and the larger problem.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment Susie. 🙏 Perhaps I should have been more specific to homeless addicts?
Thanks Dee. Sorry to hear about your friend. Your article was spot on. We’ve all got something we’re trying to kick and it’s a constant work in progress. Keep up the good work!
Thx Bill!
What especially strikes me, Dee, in all this -- not for the first time, but especially this time -- is how much you came to understand about all this. How much you know about addiction, about recovery from addiction. The amount of time and work you will have put into acquiring the understanding. Forgive me if I've missed or forgotten about your discussing this elsewhere, but do you serve as a sponsor or coach for others? I know if I were struggling with addiction I'd be turning to you.
Thanks much AJ.
Lived experience—much of it should have killed me a few times over. I know it sounds weird to those who haven’t been there and back, but I’m grateful for all of the journey. And yes to your question. Nothing formal as that form of relationship is often too tenuous for business relationships. I’ve worked with many—as long the willingness remains on their part. Ever since I got clear-headed about it I’ve been deeply involved in the philanthropic side and always have a hand out to help.
My "i want to" nagging internal voice grew a little bit stronger. Thanks i guess. :)
💪🏻👏👏
Thought provoking post, one that deserves some mulling on my part. I trust your POV given your experience and how thoughtful you are about that experience. What I'm thinking about is how and whether socioeconomic class affects the want/need analysis you lay out so well. Thanks for making me think!
Thanks David. I appreciate you reading. To be sure there are larger forces at work in all of the elements of addiction, whether you’re speaking about drug access, access to treatment and care, certainly for food quality and access. But I have witnessed successful recovery across all socioeconomic boundaries—AA in particular tends to be extremely diverse in all directions. One common denominator remains the desire.
Thanks Dee.
I applaud you Dee. You are able to convey complex ideas in an easy-to-understand way which is a gift. I have quit drinking two ways, the first time I was a drinker who was not drinking and the second time I began to recover myself. This experience gave me a solid perspective on true recovery!
The organization that helped me through it bears the motto "We are all recovering from something" which I love so much and you speak to so eloquently here. The paradigm shift begins in our mind with our beliefs.
Thanks you so much my friend. You’ve lived it and therefore know it to be true. There’s no substitute for experience. If those who might judge addicts could just think of their own struggles with change they might be less judgmental.
Your own writing about change has informed me in so many ways 🙏
This is so powerful, Dee. I love the questions you ask once the big emotions have subsided: "do you want to try something different? Are you ready to not feel the way you feel right now anymore?" That really is the crux of it. Once you're ready to try something different, you've bought your ticket for the most magical ride. Thank you foe your clear-eyed vision.
Thank you Michelle. W and W are the keys to the kingdom. Want and Willingness.
Thoughtful post, Dee. I think your want/need dichotomy is instructive in many of the scenarios you describe. Situations like homelessness and obesity are tethered to some systemic problems, such as the food system and mental health services. If people can't get the meds they need unless they're in jail, there's a whole cascade of consequences there that can't be placed solely at the feet of "want."
Similarly, the obesity problem looks pretty different from the vantage point of a parent. Fruits and veggies don't have their own advertising mascots. Just try coaching a youth team and proposing to parents that there's no need for treats after every game -- see how that goes over. Telling your kids that they don't need the Rice Krispy treat everyone else is getting doesn't go over terribly well, either. The flow of candy through schools and at every other place you take your kids, and the kind of choices available at fun places like amusement parks, sporting events, and otherwise wholesome family outings, only complicates matters. So you can make choices for what you eat at home, and you can try to instill those values in your kids, but you're also swimming against a pretty strong cultural current all the time.
There are policy reasons behind all of this that really place American kids at a disadvantage from an early age. It's one reason that I love gardening. But when many of your kids' memories associated with fun are also associated with junk food, that's a pretty powerful set of memories to try to reframe.
True Josh. But don’t the systematic problems flow from our belief systems? And doesn’t cultural pressure also come from our belief systems?
Good stuff! My daughter had to want to get sober and then the real work began to change her thoughts and behaviour. A difficult road indeed.
Our thoughts are certainly our enemy when it comes to addictive behaviours which we all have on a multitude of levels.
Thanks for sharing some of your story Michelle. 🙏
Dee - the reason I started writing more consistently is because my daughter struggled with addiction. It was the only way I could give voice to the terror and helplessness I felt. I eventually began sharing my writing because connecting with others struggling and getting their perspective served as a means of clarification.
My substack "An Artist's Journey" has become an extension of the visual work I do in my studio. Writing and creating art is what levels me in all the chaos.
Again, thanks for your writing.
Loved the post. Thanks for sharing and jumping in here.
I’ll check it out