The worst word in the language

Should

No one likes being told what to do. That’s essentially what this short essay is about. In that spirit, I invite you to read it. I am not even suggesting you read it. Simply inviting you. Do as you wish. That is what you will do anyway. I’m firmly entrenched in that acceptance—that you will do exactly what you want to do at this moment. I certainly do most of the time. I wish that for you.

Should. You. Find. Yourself. Reading. Further—thank you.

Is should any better of a word when posed as a hypothetical? I think not. Can should be used on ourselves to any less potent effect? No. That is perhaps where it does the most damage, although shoulding on others is equally toxic.

Think of the myriad ways we wield the word should. Try to think of a good one. Go on—I challenge you.

Questions and doubt

Should I have? Should we? Or more confusing: shouldn’t I have?

Negative self affirmation

I should have.

I shouldn’t have.

Judgment

You shouldn’t have.

They should have.

Other than the word shame, should is likely the most oft-used and injurious word in the language. Shame and should are the ugly and nefarious siblings of judgment. “Shame on you—you shouldn’t have done that.” Ever hear that as a child from a parent or teacher or preacher or coach or older sibling? Fuck them for saying that. They knew not what damage they were doing.

You should stop using it.

According to Psychology Today, “Should is a shame-based statement that creates stress and anxiety in your body and mind. Should indicates that there is a specific, correct way to do things. This is not true. Replace the shoulds with wants and see how that sits with you.”

Furthermore.

1. Should is critical. It implies to whoever you aim it at, yourself or others, that they’re not doing enough or good enough. It’s an instant judgment.

2. Should is disempowering. Rather than motivating someone (or yourself) to do better because you want to do better, getting shoulded literally makes you want to crawl back into bed.

3. Should is not real. No one can tell you what you should do or how you should live your life, or who you should be or become. Just like you can't tell anyone else that either. Why? Because there is no one correct way to live life. There is only your way to live your life.

4. Replace the word should with could. Try it.

5. Replace the word should with want.

Maybe the most insidious of all is the way we tell ourselves I should be farther along, should have made more money, had more sex, have a bigger house, be nicer, be in better shape, should should should all over ourselves.

Fuck Should!