I'm not a fan of being shoulded. It generally has the effect of me questioning what makes the speaker think they know what's good for me better than I know myself.
I guess maybe I'm trying to make the point that not only will it not have the desired effect on me, but I'm also probably going to tune out the rest of the conversation deliberately. I bet others do this as well.
Years ago, my wife and I came up with a list of our 10 rules to live by and “don’t start from ‘should’” is #2 on the list. I wrote a bit about it in an advice column piece here, if you’re curious: https://www.lyle.blog/p/external-and-distant. The piece also includes a great quote from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
I don’t care for the word “can” as in “Can I have a soda?” My response: “I dunno. Can you?” Folks, be fuckin’ direct: “May I have a soda?” “Sure. You may have a soda! Let’s make that soda happen.”
I have read the same thing about asking a person if they 'would'. As in, 'Would you take out the garbage?' That seems to be a dumb question to me. Perhaps 'Could you please...'
Lovely. My main objection to the word is that it's parental. That rarely works in a healthy relationship of any kind, except perhaps an actual parent-child situation.
I like how you crafted this comment without a single should 💪🏻
I went yo therapy today, and then I read this. Doubly blessed - thank you.
I'm not a fan of being shoulded. It generally has the effect of me questioning what makes the speaker think they know what's good for me better than I know myself.
I don’t think anyone is a fan. Maybe a young trainee seeking guidance? But even then, it can be delivered differently in a kinder way.
I guess maybe I'm trying to make the point that not only will it not have the desired effect on me, but I'm also probably going to tune out the rest of the conversation deliberately. I bet others do this as well.
💯
Years ago, my wife and I came up with a list of our 10 rules to live by and “don’t start from ‘should’” is #2 on the list. I wrote a bit about it in an advice column piece here, if you’re curious: https://www.lyle.blog/p/external-and-distant. The piece also includes a great quote from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Can’t wait to read it Lyle! Glad it resonated with you.
YES Fuck Should!! Perfect timing Dee!! I wanted to read this so I DID. Thank you 😊
I’m so glad you did!
Absolutely this! Well done Dee.
I don’t care for the word “can” as in “Can I have a soda?” My response: “I dunno. Can you?” Folks, be fuckin’ direct: “May I have a soda?” “Sure. You may have a soda! Let’s make that soda happen.”
I have read the same thing about asking a person if they 'would'. As in, 'Would you take out the garbage?' That seems to be a dumb question to me. Perhaps 'Could you please...'
Would and can are saying the same thing!
Not always easy. Should seems to be trained into all of us.
I think the addition of the word please makes a lot of Should, Could And Woulds at least a little better.
It seems funny that manners are real working things.... not just things Moms make us do?
Right? We have to pay closer attention and stay present to unlearn the things that don’t work for us anymore. 🙏
That's for sure. I've been working hard on eliminating it from my vocab.
Me too 🙏 that’s why this short essay rose to the surface today.
Should you find yourself writing another post, I’ll look forward to reading it! Thanks for this one Dee.
😂
😜
Spot on Dee. My mother in law uses “should” every time she tries to direct people and my wife tells her to stop it all the time.
Thanks Bill. That word seems to fit with Mothers-in-law. Not sure why 😉 I’m sure she’s a lovely woman.
Lovely. My main objection to the word is that it's parental. That rarely works in a healthy relationship of any kind, except perhaps an actual parent-child situation.
I agree with that point Mike. It’s a scolding word...nearly impossible to use gently. Thank for reading 🙏
I’m never using the word should again!!!
☺️