Trust the process

Another way to say it: "the process of trust."

Today’s essay is number 5 in a collective series of 6 essays on trust. Six men have written previously about Fatherhood, Recovery, and Money/Work.

Latham Turner

Joshua Doležal

Bowen Dwelle

Sincere American Writing

Lyle McKeany

and my offering here today. We appreciate you reading our work and commenting as you see fit.

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What is trust?

Is trust transactional or performative? How many good deeds do others need to perform in order to be granted your trust? How many must you in order to gain theirs?

How many good days in a row qualifies someone to be trustworthy? In the absence of a formula that works for everyone—anyone—let’s examine trust.

I honestly don’t know how to define—or get to—a place of trust other than through a process. Therefore—I trust the process.

I’ve had lovers, friends, and family betray a trust. I guess that’s what it was cuz it surprised me each time. I’ve had bosses, colleagues, companies, and institutions betray a trust. I guess that’s what it was cuz it shocked me each time.

I am no longer shocked. Trust is malleable. People lie. They betray. They fuck up. I do too. Are those people gone forever from our lives? Do we hold ourselves to the same standard?

I’ve had instances where I betrayed a trust. I’m pretty sure that’s what it was cuz the other person told me so.

I trusted you!

Is there a contract for trust? No—but there is an unsaid agreement between two people who care about each other to treat each other fairly—evenly—honestly—in a trustworthy manner.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines trust as:

1a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

b: one in which confidence is placed

2a: dependence on something future or contingent—Hope

What act breaks that contract? Is there a defining emotion that someone feels that makes them feel their trust has been broken? Or is it different for each of us—per our boundaries. Does one act of dishonesty break a trust? On whose scale? A moral one? A societal one? A religious one?

What if a loving couple has an open marriage that allows for sexual experimentation with others? Do they still trust each other—albeit with different parameters than another couple?

What about a business partnership where one partner regularly cheats the rules of accounting—and the other partners allow for it? Where does the line of trust live—do the other partners trust everything else that partner does with only the one exception of handling the books?

What if your teenager has wrecked three of your cars before the age of eighteen? Can you ever trust them to drive again? What if they drive for one year with no accidents—does that qualify them for trust behind the wheel?

In my simple mind—I’m certainly not simple-minded but I do appreciate being able to break complex things down into simple terms—real trust involves a process. That process builds something along the way—like an assembly line builds a car.

As a person in recovery—I’ve learned to trust a process. That process moves slowly—and you never really reach a finish line. You just move forward with small actions and things are different and better. You begin to trust yourself again to make good decisions. You begin to trust others through a different lens—a more examined set of metrics.

What if a loved one has demonstrated years—decades—of being unable to control their drinking and drugging? Can you ever trust them to operate in the world again as a healthy person? Can that person trust themself?

What if an obese loved one continues to behave against doctor’s orders—and eat, drink, and smoke to their heart’s content? Can you ever trust them to take care of their vital health again? Do you trust that they have your short or long-term interests at heart?

As we saw above—the dictionary identifies that at least one definition of trust can be Hope. A positive process of growth builds hope in the short-term and trust in the long-term.

Is cultural and institutional trust so far broken in this day and age that we can never get it back? These days we hear trust the science or trust the legal system or trust the democratic process. Trust me not him. Trust us not them.

Why should we? The Public Trust—as if.

The evidence is that they will easily lie to us to achieve their own ends. I don’t even know these people so why would I trust them? And because they’ve placed themselves in the public eye—the public trust if you will—we’re able to scrutinize their every statement and action. And they’re not trustworthy.

How many elections or pandemic responses do we give them to win it back? How much of the national debt is too much? How many wars or illegal immigrants or scandals do we allow them? If any of them actually began to build a real process of change—how much time would we allow them before we trust any of them again?

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Let’s move away from trust for a moment and talk about process.

Process is defined by Merriam Webster as:

1a: Progress. Advance. In the process of time.

b: Something going on. Proceeding.

2a: A natural phenomenon marked by gradual changes that lead toward a particular result. the process of growth

b: A continuing natural or biological activity or function. such life processes as breathing

c: a series of actions or operations conducing to an end

There are more definitions related to the legal system such as serving a process, etc. but let’s ignore those for this discussion.

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Trust the process.

Rick Rubin on the creative process:

Living life as an artist is a practice. You are either engaging in the practice or you’re not. It makes no sense to say you’re not good at it. It’s like saying, “I’m not good at being a monk.” You are either living as a monk or you’re not. We tend to think of the artist’s work as the output. The real work of the artist is a way of being in the world.

From the Big Book of AA on process:

RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves…If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.

Exercise is a process. From Mayo Clinic:

Exercise controls weight. Exercise combats health conditions and diseases. Exercise improves mood. Exercise boosts energy. Exercise promotes better sleep. Exercise puts the spark back into your sex life. Exercise can be fun — and social!

Losing weight is a process. Eat less and burn more. With the exception of medical intervention—it’s the only way.

Saving money is a process. Put a little away over a long period of time.

Relationships are a process. Relationships involve finding trust—rebuilding it if it shatters—and maintaining it.

Parenting is a process. Kids grow up over years and decades—it takes time and it’s a process.

Learning is a process. We learn and grow until we die.

Building trust is a process. You don’t gift it to someone immediately—it takes time and it’s a process.

I trust that shortcuts do not work.

I trust that you’re gonna be and do what you’re gonna be and do.

I trust that if I follow the path the chance of everything working out are good.

I trust that if things don’t work out well—that I’ll be OK with that—that I have the tools and the process to deal with it.

I trust my instincts to sense and assess energy—good and bad. Like a dog. Energy is everything. Can you be a creepy person with negative energy and ever become a trusted person in my life? Unlikely. I suppose it’s possible but the evidence in my life indicates otherwise. How would I get to trust someone that I don’t allow myself to get to know due to their energy? I wouldn’t. I won’t.

Most importantly—I trust in a higher power in the Universe that I call God. I trust that there is a natural order to the Universe that I have no influence over.

My friends this week in their essays have written about instinct—gut instinct. They’ve written about once having it—losing it for a time due to a variety of reasons—then building it back. Through a process. I happen to trust the process.

I believe that whatever words you use to describe it—gut instinct—faith—belief—there is a power within us that we need to trust. I personally don’t struggle trying to figure out where that power comes from. Humans—certainly writers and philosophers—since the beginning of recorded time have attempted to understand it better.

The process of putting one thought and one foot and one action after another in a building process until the foundation is strong once again. It’s about learning to trust the process until the outcome is one you can once again trust.

It is truly miraculous how a person can be so shattered—so betrayed—so broken by their own actions or that of others close to them—and yet crawl and fight their way back to believing in themselves and others again.

There are many things and people I simply don’t trust. I trust myself enough to know what I do—and don’t—put my faith and trust in.

But I do emphatically trust the process. I’ve seen it work—in others—and in myself.