Thank you Stone. I think you hit on something that is so true. Part of why trust is so damn fragile is less about the trust itself and more about what it requires before—hard-won respect. 🫡
Lots to love here. I've found myself saying this very thing to clients, especially in the planning stage. I can see some real affinities between my method for mapping a book project and your recovery process. When you trace the long arcs and throughlines, locate the core of the story, and leave a little room for discovery between the major turning points in the narrative, it's not unlike your idea of living with an overarching plan but some day-to-day uncertainty. If the plan is sound, it will guide you well.
Likewise, I think the erosion of trust is never a one-off betrayal. When the pattern settles in and true colors emerge, that's when trust really fades. So that's a process, too. I used to remind myself of that after a bad day teaching. I'd only really lose my students if I kept bombing day after day. Everyone has a bad day, and if you come back with gusto the next, students will still trust you.
Thanks Josh. I see a lot of “trusting the process” in what you’ve been doing in the last year or so. It’s powerful indeed—even with a bad day or misstep—the general trajectory is to be trusted. 🙏
What if trusted institutions betray our trust? Most of us have trusted that our public institutions of learning were intended to educate us. What happens when we learn the institutions have never been intended to educate us at all, but only intended to what John Taylor Gatto described as, school us.
Any sane person who looks into the purpose of public indoctrination centers would immediately pull their children out of public school systems and home school their children.
.. the ‘measuring precedes ‘trust in my experience .. & Ideally we refine our ‘measuring processes along the way - along with our ‘goalposts regarding ‘Trust - & whatever that ‘flexible notion may be or not be.. I ‘hold to certain hard & well earned ‘beliefs Dee.. & will defend them - yet continue ‘the measuring.. haha.. & that ‘shady & slippery character ‘Respect just ambled in.. ! 🏴☠️🦎
Deep into a 2 year 5 month life rebuilding that includes rebuilding trust from the ground up post a lifetime (30 years)of selfishness, lying and incredibly untrustworthy actions to the one person that matters in my life.
Process is the best way to describe it. Conflict avoidance and path of least resistance are futile if you want to rebuild trust. While possibly the hardest thing to go through for both parties, possibly also to be the most fulfilling. With the knowledge that it is a lifetime ride, maybe Dee we can discuss it on whatever fantastic golf course God has planned for us after life here!
brilliant comment. Thank you. Unfortunately you are correct--digging in is the only way. From your lips to God's ears about golf in heaven--and dogs as caddies!
Trust- what one assumes people do when no one is watching them do it.
We have a high trust social tradition in the US that is rapidly being squandered. With trust, life’s transactions are simple and efficient. Without trust, they are slow and costly. After building a culture of trust for a couple of centuries, why are we willing to let it slip away?
Dee- I think you nailed it at the end… “I trust myself”
If we do this, then any trust we offer to others doesn’t need to cause concern in us. If we trust ourselves to walk away and respond with grace from the unscrupulous, the abusers, the kill-joys, the frauds then we will be at peace.
The people who call a spade a spade are the easiest to love, eh?
I would not have thought to convey the concept of trust through process, but of course that is exactly what is happening. It's a spectrum and everything shuffles back and forth along it. I have been in the uncomfortable position of feeling like I've lost trust in myself and it sucks, but experience has taught me that I can pull out of it to drag myself through the process of recovering that trust.
Thankfully I'm not struggling with lost trust in myself right now, although I have in the past. Rather it's a little bit of lost self that I need to regain. This is a result of being over-extended with life commitments the last few months so I'm working on it.
Another home run, Dee.
I agree 100% with 'Trust the Process' - through that, all other trust can be built.
I will say this, when it comes to people - before I can trust them, I have to respect them. Without that, I cannot even begin to get to trust.
Of course, building respect requires 'evidence' which is examined through... 'the process.' ;-)
Man, you are really nailing it these days, brother - well done!
Thank you Stone. I think you hit on something that is so true. Part of why trust is so damn fragile is less about the trust itself and more about what it requires before—hard-won respect. 🫡
Lots to love here. I've found myself saying this very thing to clients, especially in the planning stage. I can see some real affinities between my method for mapping a book project and your recovery process. When you trace the long arcs and throughlines, locate the core of the story, and leave a little room for discovery between the major turning points in the narrative, it's not unlike your idea of living with an overarching plan but some day-to-day uncertainty. If the plan is sound, it will guide you well.
Likewise, I think the erosion of trust is never a one-off betrayal. When the pattern settles in and true colors emerge, that's when trust really fades. So that's a process, too. I used to remind myself of that after a bad day teaching. I'd only really lose my students if I kept bombing day after day. Everyone has a bad day, and if you come back with gusto the next, students will still trust you.
Thanks Josh. I see a lot of “trusting the process” in what you’ve been doing in the last year or so. It’s powerful indeed—even with a bad day or misstep—the general trajectory is to be trusted. 🙏
Great essay, Dee. I’ve noticed that trust is also connected with implicit expectations.
So true Priya. And we know the danger of expectations. Maybe that’s part of what makes trust fragile?
Thanks for reading my friend 🙏
What if trusted institutions betray our trust? Most of us have trusted that our public institutions of learning were intended to educate us. What happens when we learn the institutions have never been intended to educate us at all, but only intended to what John Taylor Gatto described as, school us.
Any sane person who looks into the purpose of public indoctrination centers would immediately pull their children out of public school systems and home school their children.
https://youtu.be/SUe3ETGHAI4?si=4LzbCAI2kuiykE15
.. the ‘measuring precedes ‘trust in my experience .. & Ideally we refine our ‘measuring processes along the way - along with our ‘goalposts regarding ‘Trust - & whatever that ‘flexible notion may be or not be.. I ‘hold to certain hard & well earned ‘beliefs Dee.. & will defend them - yet continue ‘the measuring.. haha.. & that ‘shady & slippery character ‘Respect just ambled in.. ! 🏴☠️🦎
All of that for sure. Trust the process 💪🏻
Deep into a 2 year 5 month life rebuilding that includes rebuilding trust from the ground up post a lifetime (30 years)of selfishness, lying and incredibly untrustworthy actions to the one person that matters in my life.
Process is the best way to describe it. Conflict avoidance and path of least resistance are futile if you want to rebuild trust. While possibly the hardest thing to go through for both parties, possibly also to be the most fulfilling. With the knowledge that it is a lifetime ride, maybe Dee we can discuss it on whatever fantastic golf course God has planned for us after life here!
brilliant comment. Thank you. Unfortunately you are correct--digging in is the only way. From your lips to God's ears about golf in heaven--and dogs as caddies!
Yes, the invisible process beyond what I need to know in advance! Smiles.
Thank you friend. I miss seeing you lately 🙏
Trust- what one assumes people do when no one is watching them do it.
We have a high trust social tradition in the US that is rapidly being squandered. With trust, life’s transactions are simple and efficient. Without trust, they are slow and costly. After building a culture of trust for a couple of centuries, why are we willing to let it slip away?
Dee- I think you nailed it at the end… “I trust myself”
If we do this, then any trust we offer to others doesn’t need to cause concern in us. If we trust ourselves to walk away and respond with grace from the unscrupulous, the abusers, the kill-joys, the frauds then we will be at peace.
The people who call a spade a spade are the easiest to love, eh?
I agree. 🙏 Thank you for reading Teyani.
Trust as process
Life is a process built on relationships.
Trust is a byproduct of many different levels of interactions in relationships, the frequency of interactions and how many levels are involved.
Marriage would involve lots of all of these playing like a symphony, harmony and dissonance. The trick is in the balance.
I’m discovering that—just got married in December. Thanks for the comment 🙏
The golden rule does apply but it demands an honest respect for, and awareness of, your own levels and those of others.
Congrats on your marriage.
I'll refer you to a recent post of mine "Hold On Love."
🙏
Extremely true. I've broken trust. I've had trust broken. Such is life.
I would not have thought to convey the concept of trust through process, but of course that is exactly what is happening. It's a spectrum and everything shuffles back and forth along it. I have been in the uncomfortable position of feeling like I've lost trust in myself and it sucks, but experience has taught me that I can pull out of it to drag myself through the process of recovering that trust.
Thanks for making me think Dee.
My pleasure Donna. I’m sorry you’re struggling with that right now. I understand it—
Blessings from me to you dear—I hope you’re enjoying your summer🙏
Thankfully I'm not struggling with lost trust in myself right now, although I have in the past. Rather it's a little bit of lost self that I need to regain. This is a result of being over-extended with life commitments the last few months so I'm working on it.
I hope you're enjoying the mountains!
🙏 we are—so much.