Imagine a world where individuals took 100% responsibility for their own lives (sovereign beings), and willingly chose to co-create a world where all of us want to live. smiles.
Thanks for the mention of my post Dee 🙏 I like what you say here about self-love, this feels like an important piece of the puzzle - to become resourced from within so we don't rely so heavily on others for those unmet needs.
If I could change some of the things you mention here (in myself, in a core way rather than just working on it all the time), my experience of life and others would be dramatically different. My family is built upon existential secrets that break my heart - particularly when I think about how certain loved ones have chosen profoundly painful paths that they take no real responsibility for choosing...and choosing again, and again.
As the eldest of four girls, I have always and still do feel responsible and heartbroken over their choices and way of seeing and experiencing the world. But I couldn’t survive in that, so I left. I’ve barely spent any time with my family in the last twenty years, and I feel deep grief and guilt around this too. But every time we talk on the phone or communicate by email, it’s once again clear to me why I had to leave. I love them so much, and it’s such a profound loss for all of us.
It is the painful truth about a lot of families. I’m sorry it’s true for yours Dana 😢
My family had many as well. It took me getting sober and blowing up the secret that everyone was holding about me. We are so good—now that we’ve broken through and cried and finally laughed about it.
I pray you can find a way one day to show them that there’s light on the other side of the pain. Thank you for sharing my friend. 🙏
Thank you, Dee. And love hearing that about your family.
Some good has come of my own choices, path, and boundaries - my dad no longer drinks around me and has apologized for things, for one. But it’s almost as though, on our timeline, we needed an extra few decades to catch up with where and who we’re meant to be. 🙏
Hmm, I think I need to find a therapist! You have just described me perfectly and it's such an interesting (I'll use that term so I don't drop some magnificent swearwords in your lovely comments section) thing to observe.
I began deeply exploring codependency, including reading Beattie's book, a few years ago and was promptly shown the error of my ways. The difficulty lays in correcting those errors. I've made progress in that I can usually see what I'm doing and some of the time I can catch myself to course correct but what I still struggle with is my own feelings. I still deeply feel the pain or anger or whatever of those around me and most often it affects my own well-being. It's my goal to be a little less sponge-like!
Dee, thank you for the effort this excellent essay must have taken. It is one I will return to again and again because it summarizes so many important points. Also WELL DONE in donating your paid subscriptions to the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation's Children and Family Program - that's so awesome.
Thank you Donna for your words here. I’m always so appreciative of your honest insight and responses.
I certainly understand—and do not mean to imply that I have solved it. It is truly an insidious beast that requires work in every interaction and in every day. We have built-in survival instincts that were developed in our earliest days. Loving ourselves is something you’ve written about extensively and I always hear a lesson in your writing. Codependence is just a label at the end of the day for something we all do. Who, as a caring human being, can truly live detached from outcomes? Work, work, work. ☺️❤️
SO much to love about this essay Dee. Acceptance, Perspective and Embracing Impermanence are just the things that are needed to turn this bus around.
I particularly loved this line “Sure, they might need our help. But when we label them as a victim, we stop helping them”
There are victims in our world, crimes against children, abuse of elders, (abuse of anyone) are unacceptable of course, But how we help other people determines the outcome of what they are going through.
This essay will have more than one read thru for me and many others I suspect. It’s excellent.
Imagine a world where individuals took 100% responsibility for their own lives (sovereign beings), and willingly chose to co-create a world where all of us want to live. smiles.
Imagine indeed. 🙏
A lot of interesting points here, coming from an extremely co-dependent family system.
I came here from Paolo's recommendation. Looking forward to reading more!
Thank you Elizabeth! I’m glad it spoke to you.
And Paolo🙏
Great essay - thank you so much -
Thank you Holley!
Thanks for the mention of my post Dee 🙏 I like what you say here about self-love, this feels like an important piece of the puzzle - to become resourced from within so we don't rely so heavily on others for those unmet needs.
Thank you Vicki. It is truly the key—as many have written. And it’s truly a hard, daily practice to truly love ourselves.
I appreciate the read. 🙏
If I could change some of the things you mention here (in myself, in a core way rather than just working on it all the time), my experience of life and others would be dramatically different. My family is built upon existential secrets that break my heart - particularly when I think about how certain loved ones have chosen profoundly painful paths that they take no real responsibility for choosing...and choosing again, and again.
As the eldest of four girls, I have always and still do feel responsible and heartbroken over their choices and way of seeing and experiencing the world. But I couldn’t survive in that, so I left. I’ve barely spent any time with my family in the last twenty years, and I feel deep grief and guilt around this too. But every time we talk on the phone or communicate by email, it’s once again clear to me why I had to leave. I love them so much, and it’s such a profound loss for all of us.
Thanks for writing about this, Dee.
It is the painful truth about a lot of families. I’m sorry it’s true for yours Dana 😢
My family had many as well. It took me getting sober and blowing up the secret that everyone was holding about me. We are so good—now that we’ve broken through and cried and finally laughed about it.
I pray you can find a way one day to show them that there’s light on the other side of the pain. Thank you for sharing my friend. 🙏
Thank you, Dee. And love hearing that about your family.
Some good has come of my own choices, path, and boundaries - my dad no longer drinks around me and has apologized for things, for one. But it’s almost as though, on our timeline, we needed an extra few decades to catch up with where and who we’re meant to be. 🙏
Hmm, I think I need to find a therapist! You have just described me perfectly and it's such an interesting (I'll use that term so I don't drop some magnificent swearwords in your lovely comments section) thing to observe.
I began deeply exploring codependency, including reading Beattie's book, a few years ago and was promptly shown the error of my ways. The difficulty lays in correcting those errors. I've made progress in that I can usually see what I'm doing and some of the time I can catch myself to course correct but what I still struggle with is my own feelings. I still deeply feel the pain or anger or whatever of those around me and most often it affects my own well-being. It's my goal to be a little less sponge-like!
Dee, thank you for the effort this excellent essay must have taken. It is one I will return to again and again because it summarizes so many important points. Also WELL DONE in donating your paid subscriptions to the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation's Children and Family Program - that's so awesome.
Thank you Donna for your words here. I’m always so appreciative of your honest insight and responses.
I certainly understand—and do not mean to imply that I have solved it. It is truly an insidious beast that requires work in every interaction and in every day. We have built-in survival instincts that were developed in our earliest days. Loving ourselves is something you’ve written about extensively and I always hear a lesson in your writing. Codependence is just a label at the end of the day for something we all do. Who, as a caring human being, can truly live detached from outcomes? Work, work, work. ☺️❤️
Yep - off to work I go!
💪🏻❤️
SO much to love about this essay Dee. Acceptance, Perspective and Embracing Impermanence are just the things that are needed to turn this bus around.
I particularly loved this line “Sure, they might need our help. But when we label them as a victim, we stop helping them”
There are victims in our world, crimes against children, abuse of elders, (abuse of anyone) are unacceptable of course, But how we help other people determines the outcome of what they are going through.
This essay will have more than one read thru for me and many others I suspect. It’s excellent.
Thank you Teyani. I’m grateful for the read—and appreciate your thoughtful response. 🙏
😎🙏