What is the point of attacking AA and Recovery

Could it be about you?

Comedian Bill Burr has a 2024 comedy special now airing on Hulu called “The Drop-Dead Years.” Typical of Burr’s comedic instincts he rambles around a great deal but seems to come back and tie off the many threads in a nice knot throughout the skit.

His point? That he is actually growing up in his fifties. That he understands now how to get along with people—how to manage his anger and rage better—and how to make his wife happy. All these revelations have come to him in what he calls the drop-dead years. As he states in his special, dropping dead suddenly doesn’t happen to women. It happens to men between the ages of 49 and 61. Beyond that men simply die of old age or prolonged disease, but in those critical years they can simply drop dead on the tee box, in their car, or in their meal. His premise is that the cause of this phenomenon is that men tend to stuff down their negative emotions for decades until it costs them their lives. A lot of research affirms this general statement. He also submits that if men can figure out in their fifties—or before—how to deal with their shit, they have a better chance of surviving and thriving into their golden years. Of course, all of this is done in Burr’s tongue-in -cheek, humorous way.

Men are taught to fight—for their manhood—for their place in the world—for their rights. It is only through a process of self-examination that a man begins to understand that this fight often hurts themselves more than it ever hurts the intended target of their misdirected rage.

In my own 15-year sobriety experience I have found that giving up the constant fight is in fact one solid way to reduce resentments—the poison that underlies much of my reasons for reaching for a bottle or a line in my younger years. A man doesn’t often understand this when he is a younger version of himself. Resentment can arise about how one was raised, how one is treated by a boss or colleague at work, by a girlfriend or spouse, what someone says or tweets, about the world in general. In reality it can be triggered at any moment by the random behavior of any unsuspecting person encountered during the process of living every day.

There is a natural settling of much of this as a man advances in age. For some it happens gradually and others suddenly. At a certain point there is a reset of expectations. A diminishing of physical prowess. If this fact is combined with a cerebral and emotional understanding and acceptance of that natural process, then the process can be more powerful and used to one’s advantage.

Let us pull now on a different but related thread. That wispy but powerful yarn of people criticizing the nearly century-old organization of Alcoholics Anonymous and its much-replicated 12-step program of spiritual life recovery. AA—as with all 12-step programs—is entirely voluntary and free. The only requirement for attendance is a desire to stop drinking or to stop whatever behavior the program is designed for. 12-step programs have been used for the reduction or elimination of excessive use behaviors around food, relationships, hard drugs, crime and incarceration, and others.

Much evidence indicates that 12-step programs work. Sometimes by themselves. Often in combination with therapy and other cognitive behavioral change methodologies.

Below are highlights from five sources:

• Veterans Affairs (Kaskutas, 2009): About 20 to 25 percent of those not in aftercare or 12-step groups achieved sobriety at one year vs approximately twice that percentage for those who did participate.

• AA’s 2014 Survey (American Addiction Centers):

  • 32 percent introduced by a current AA member

  • 32 percent introduced by a treatment facility

  • 59 percent received some form of counseling

  • Sobriety durations included 27 percent (under 1 year), 24 percent (1-5 years), and 22 percent (20-plus years).

• Project MATCH: 12-Step Facilitation was linked to fewer drinking days and higher overall abstinence rates than comparison groups.

• Cochrane Review (2020): 27 studies, 10,565 participants. Indicates that manualized AA and TSF programs can yield significantly higher continuous abstinence rates (42 percent) compared to other treatments including CBT (35 percent) and can cut healthcare costs.

Stanford Medicine (2020): Summarizes multiple trials finding that AA not only promotes abstinence but often outperforms or equals other well-known therapies.

It is not uncommon to find that AA and 12-step programs did not work for some people. It is not uncommon for those people to share their opinion about that experience. I submit that this is not about the program but about the individual. What I typically see—and I’ve seen it a lot on Substack lately among the Sober-curious or supposedly-sober crowd—is an effort by those for whom the program did not work to disparage the organization and the program.

I don’t get it. What is the end goal? To promote another, more modern, smarter, less difficult way of getting out from under the slavery of their habit? To allow the author to raise themselves up—and their own wonderful method of not drinking—as somehow better than the tried-and-true program for living that is the 12-step process?

Perhaps. Perhaps their way was better for them. Perhaps not. Time will tell, and only time can tell time. I can say that I’ve heard most of these criticisms about AA from people who are still counting their days of sobriety as their evidence. I’m 564 days sober and AA didn’t work for me!

I say good for you. Keep coming back.

I certainly have my own bias. 12-step worked for me. Not just in helping me initially get clean and sober. It was accompanied by going to treatment and spending 93 days among professionals who were dedicated to my success. They were experts in helping me understand the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual trigger points that had led me to excessively use and abuse drugs and alcohol.

Where 12-step really helped me was with the after. The “staying” sober part of it. AA meetings and 12-step work does not offer medical expertise. It offered me a sanguine view—based upon the experience of millions who have gone through the exact same thing I was going through—of the simple methods of self-examination required to better understand my own reasons for grabbing the bottle or the line as a way to cope with underlying discomfort. AA offers a community of like-minded individuals from all walks of life. AA offers a judgement-free—for the most part—place where one can hear and share their own experiences. Anyone attending can participate or simply sit there and listen. Or leave. Which many do.

It is my opinion that many who leave were simply unable to deal with their own discomfort.

Whether it be the inevitable comparing of stories—I’m not as bad as that guy!—the fear of sharing their own experience, or simply the subtle but powerful mechanism of raising one’s hand and stating to a group of strangers that they have 13 days sober. It is the tradition of most AA groups—most 12-step groups of all kinds—to encourage newcomers to identify themselves. This can be terrifying, and is where many get tripped up. How dare they ask me to “out” myself as a newcomer?

Self-honesty is the foundation of 12-step recovery. It says so on every single coin that is awarded to you along your journey. To thine own self be true.

My 14-year chip received 18 months ago.

Not being honest with yourself about your own situation and the behaviors that led to it is fundamentally a deal breaker. If one cannot get past the tendency to blame life, other people, our parents, the world, the government, the boss, or the spouse for our situation, then the chances for sobriety and recovery of any meaningful length of time is doomed.

In Al Anon, which is the 12-step program to help family members and friends of alcoholics better understand their part and begin to heal themselves from the damage caused by their loved one, there are three CAs.

1. I didn’t cause it

2. I can’t control it

3. I can’t cure it

Conversely for members of the AA community who themselves are the problem, one might imagine a contrary set of CAs.

I did in fact cause it.

I can control it.

I can possibly cure it.

But in reality, as the Serenity Prayer indicates, we need to ask for help from a power greater than ourselves in order to determine gain perspective on what aspects of my behavior I can in fact control or change, and which ones I cannot.

The God concept is something that also trips a lot of people up. The 12-step program very clearly asks newcomers to admit that they have a problem, that they can’t manage it on their own, and that they need to ask for help from a power greater than themselves in order to get well. This is not an attempt to get a non-faithful person to start going to church. It is in fact an exercise in humility. By acknowledging that our own intelligence, our own power, our own self-will, and our own best—often repeated—efforts put us right here needing help, is really all that is required.

I need help.

I can’t do it alone.

And trust me you can’t. Not for very long. The program simply requires that you surrender yourself to a God of your own choosing. Hell you don’t even have to define it—you just have to find a way to believe in it. How about an experienced group of other drunks? G.O.D. (group of drunks). A God of your own choosing is all that is required. I’ve heard guys in the rooms refer to their God as Girl Of my Dreams, meaning they’re doing it for their wives. Whatever the fuck works. The program isn’t perfect, and part of the self-learning experience is to take away what works for you, leave the rest behind, and not judge the way others may do it.

The steps that are undertaken—in order from 1-12—are a process of self-examination combined with action to alleviate and put behind us the coping methods we have historically reached for to deal with our discomfort. In a nutshell it’s an effort to clean up our past so that we can begin to live in a different way than before. But it is primarily—and here’s the kicker—a way to begin to think differently.

This brings us to what I see as the underlying issue that leads to the criticism of AA and 12-step programs. People can refrain from using drugs and alcohol or sex or food for a period of time on sheer willpower. I’ve done it many times in my past. But it was only when I really put in the work to understand how and why my thinking led to my behaviors that I was able to get and stay sober.

That shit is hard. Most people don’t want to do it.

I haven’t taken a drink in 873 days! I’m good! As my favorite comedian Tom Papa famously says, good for you! You’re doing great! Seriously—by not drinking or using—you are certainly doing better than you were before. You’re not drinking yourself stupid, making an ass out of yourself, fucking up your career and your relationship, and destroying your body. But have you changed? Only you can answer that question. I am truly proud of you for not drinking or using. I personally don’t think sobriety has anything to do with not drinking. Not drinking is merely the cover charge to get into the club. Real and lasting Sobriety has to do with thinking differently.

I know now that my sobriety isn’t about time. Sure, it’s affirming to get my annual chips along the way—which is basically the only time I go to meetings anymore—but the time accumulated is a bit irrelevant. My thinking is different. I understand myself in a much deeper way due to the work I’ve put in. And yes, the 12-steps were the doorway and the fucking staircase to that understanding. My bride tells me a story about one of the best meetings she ever attended, where the topic was what I hate about AA. The result was that people needed to—and were able to—voice their gripes and ills. Then they ended up talking about why they’d stay, what they’d do differently to work on that hate, and what they loved about the program.

I would submit that true sobriety is about change. Which is not earth-shattering because change is at the root of all growth and learning. You can change your habits over your lifetime. Most of us do. Sometimes slowly. Sometimes quickly. The biggest changes usually involve pain or discomfort. The fear of the change is finally overcome by the pain of doing nothing. Even if you’ve been able to not drink for some period of time, AA might still be of use to you as you try to change your underlying thinking. If you got sober in AA maybe you’ll stay. If you feel that a different path might help you stay sober long-term, then perhaps a change would be to your benefit.

I hope I’m not done changing. Ever.

I’m privileged these days to be married to a wonderful woman who has 40+ years of sobriety, who is still actively self-employed counseling others on their recovery journey. I’m also privileged to have this Substack newsletter which allows me to process—by writing—the many topics and issues that arise in my life. I’m hopeful that this newsletter could also help others who might read something of value in my words. A more subtle way of intervening to accompany the many actual interventions I’ve helped with. I’m also privileged to be very connected through philanthropy work to a vast community of sober individuals and treatment professionals. But in the beginning, I had none of that. Those are all earned outcomes that came about directly because of my faithful adherence to the steps, the traditions, and the principles of AA for a decade. These are the pieces of my recovery practice that I hold onto dearly. The things that now take the place of daily meetings.

I have friends and fellow writers on Substack for whom AA did not work. I have friends and fellow writers on Substack for whom the term recovery is anathema to their own health and wellness. I honor their opinion, but I certainly don’t understand why they seek to disparage something that works for millions of others. I don’t understand why they feel the need to eliminate it from their toolbox—from their potential arsenal against this deadly condition. Or why, by the extension of writing negatively about it, they would seek to convince others who are reading their words. Maybe—just maybe—the rigor of AA is just what that person needs. In the 11th hour maybe they read a disparaging essay and they rationalize to themselves that they don’t need it.

Rationalizations are just as treacherous as resentments to a person in that dangerous place in their life.

I don’t do yoga anymore. It just doesn’t work for my body in the same way that it once did. I do not write about what a sham yoga is or shame the millions of people for whom yoga is a daily practice.

I’m not vegan or vegetarian anymore. It worked for me for a while. I do not write negatively about a diet that works for millions of people.

There are many ways to get clean and sober. There are many diets. There are many forms of exercise. Likewise for spiritual work. I get the impulse to say, do it my way—not their way!

As Bill Burr said in many ways during his Drop-Dead Years special, eventually your own shit will come back to haunt you if you don’t deal with it in a meaningful way. We can’t outthink ourselves but God knows we try. We cannot get well by ourselves but our ego loves to sell that to us. We actually need to ask others for help. That is also the fundamental aspect of therapy. Don’t like therapy either? Hmmm I see a pattern here.

image courtesy of @DukeofGood

I like to ask questions about things. I don’t mind asking for help if I need it. My bride might disagree with that given the multitude of times I’ve announced Nope I got this!

There are so many things in the world that are worthy of our attack. The single most successful method and organization for getting people clean and sober is not one of those things.

Be part of the solution rather than the problem. So many people need help.