One thing that rarely gets mentioned about 12-step programs: they are sometimes the only form of mental healthcare that a person can afford in terms of money, time, and location of meeting.
Exactly! There is no one person at the top. There is no charge, nobody's making a profit. AA was founded in 1935 by alcoholics helping each other to stay sober, that is their only agenda.
The idea that if we don't fully stand with an ideology means we need to pick up its opposite is the fruit of an unexamined mind. I think that's what's being noticed here. It's folks stuck in a kind of suffering they can't even see. It's sad. It's also common for humans. The Buddha taught this 2600 years ago.
"Take what you can use and leave the rest" is one of the most important lessons I picked up in 12-step. There are others that come in handy, but I apply that rule everywhere. It seems relevant here.
I’ve never understood it either. I am a cynic to the core so when I hear someone saying AA didn’t work for them, or something similar in regards to therapy not working for them my default assumption is always that the person making these statements didn’t do the work.
Also, if someone has only gone to a few meetings they aren’t even a position to comment on whether it worked or not. If you didn’t wholeheartedly do the 12 steps then you’re not even in a position to comment on it. It’s the equivalent of ordering a product, staring at the unopened box and commenting on the effectiveness of the product without having even trying it.
If you haven’t done the 12 steps to the best of your ability then your opinion is uninformed. You’re still entitled to have an opinion of course, but it doesn’t carry any weight.
And, like most online content, I’m sure some of it is pure rage bait. The person putting it out there is doing it for views and engagement.
37 years sober and still go to 2-3 meetings a week. Love learning from others and being in a space with people who are caring and living life sober. Thanks for the article.
Thanks for this excellent essay Dee. While I didn't participate in AA to get sober I don't know how anyone could disparage a program that has saved millions of lives around the world. There is, literally, nothing else like it in history and, whether it was what helped someone or not, that can't be denied.
I love that Ann was at a meeting about the things folks don't like about AA! Brilliant!
While I recognize that for many folks counting the number of days of sobriety is helpful, I tend to agree with you that it's not about any length of time but more about the internal change that must occur to maintain a sober lifestyle. Recovery is not about stopping the substance, it is much, much more.
Oh right, our holiday was, weirdly, last weekend. We will look forward to welcoming our American visitors to the valley. We are anticipating record numbers this year. Enjoy your weekend.
Very well said. I’ve seen some of the veiled or not so veiled swipes at 12 steps on Substack and other online forums. I too scratch my head wondering why the person felt the need to write a critique. If something else works for you to get clean/sober & live well, more power to you! I think you’re spot on in that it says a lot about the person who feels the need to criticize the program.
I really appreciated this read, Dee. AA wasn’t my path to sobriety, but I did attend quite a few online meetings in my second or third year. I found them to be such beautiful spaces - so much humility, honesty, and genuine kindness. I was often moved to tears just witnessing and being a part of it. I know that’s not always the case and that every meeting is different, but what I know of the Steps lines up with other (non-AA) beliefs and practices that have been, and still are, vital to me and my ongoing sobriety.
My husband's AA chips were next to his photo at his memorial. They were his most prized possession, and the legacy my daughter holds most dear from her father. We all went through his program and remain the better for it, as a family and individuals. My daughter, now 28 years old, seeks it's replacement, not for addiction purposes, but for living wisdom. In our experience, churches fall very short. Churches speak in idealistic and judgmental tones, AA speaks reality and humility.
The 12 Steps via Al-Anon changed my life, they woke me up right before I turned 40.
About the God part, I prefer "higher power" because it doesn't smack so much of organized religion.
It was at a meeting I heard someone say we get to define our higher power, and your higher power can be a pink Cadillac if that what works for you, or perhaps consider the group as a whole to be a higher power.
Just so long as we understand it means giving up our spot in the center of the universe where we think we know everything that we cling so hard to.
The only thing I can tell people is that it worked for me, when nothing else did. I walked into the rooms utterly broken, having no hope that this would work, and hating myself for being with a bunch of complete losers who would no doubt fill my head with cheesy nonsense and slogans until I'd had enough and finally plucked up the courage to throw myself under a train.
That was five years ago. Been sober four and a half. So it works for me, it might work for you 😎
Fantastic Barsley! I don’t care who you are—walking in there for the first few times is rough for everyone. I haven’t seen a person walk in on a winning streak yet. 😉Congrats on four plus 🙏
100 %. Did you see my Note earlier this week? Here’s the text: No one has to get sober through AA. There are many paths to healing, and what works for one person may not work for another. That’s not just okay, it’s essential. I don’t speak for AA. I speak only from my own experience.
It’s not that anyone has to try AA. But what I find troubling is when someone publicly positions themselves against it based on a superficial impression formed in the fog of addiction—without actually understanding what they’re rejecting. They leave saying, “AA didn’t work for me”-and then use that as the foundation to market their own brand of sobriety-for a price. That’s not a critique. That’s a sales tactic.
Then comes the pivot: AA becomes the foil for a new offering, a new identity, a brand. And what started as avoidance becomes marketing.
You don’t have to love it. But if you never truly engaged with it, maybe don’t build your platform on the premise that you are adequately informed. Or even if you did engage with it and decided it didn’t work for you. Recovery doesn’t need more binary thinking. It needs truth. Humility. Integrity. And the willingness to say, this wasn’t my path, without turning that into a sales pitch for your way, and ironically, charging for it.
The harm isn’t in finding recovery on your own terms and outside AA. It’s in using a caricature of it as your launchpad. It’s unfair to the people still finding their way.
Sell your solution if you like, but don’t do it by trashing one of the miracles of the twentieth century you don’t even comprehend. “
Thanks for your share. It was dispiriting to read a sober Substack post disparaging AA. I don’t need to diagnose the reason the poster needed to post, but I hope the first thought before posting about sobriety was a desire to help the still suffering alcoholic.
I’m back around the tables after being away for a while and I realize that my responsibility is to grasp the hand anyone who reaches out for help. By so doing, my 31 years of sobriety grows stronger.
I love what you say about how it’s the after part that AA helped with — I am partial to the I came to quit drinking and stayed for the thinking, myself. And of course, a design for living.
I really apply the principles of the program everywhere : in my parenting, my marriage, walking in my own integrity — living an honest, true life.
One question for you : do you get shit for breaking the 11th tradition? Would love to hear your thoughts. I am on a quest to understand how the 11th tradition and the 12th step aren’t at odds, and why I am being told I ought not share my experience, when I was shocked as hell that AA worked (see my piece, Well Shit, this seems to be working)
I appreciate - and am not surprised - by that balanced response. I completely agree. For me, too, there is an immediate urgency — women are dying of alcoholism, and if I can share a tool that I rejected because of false perceptions for years, why would I not share that story? Which involves directly stating, Alcoholics Anonymous.
One thing that rarely gets mentioned about 12-step programs: they are sometimes the only form of mental healthcare that a person can afford in terms of money, time, and location of meeting.
Great point Sherman. Whether it’s the first time trying or they’ve run out of coverage trying. 🤷🏻♂️
Yes.
Exactly! There is no one person at the top. There is no charge, nobody's making a profit. AA was founded in 1935 by alcoholics helping each other to stay sober, that is their only agenda.
🙏👏
The idea that if we don't fully stand with an ideology means we need to pick up its opposite is the fruit of an unexamined mind. I think that's what's being noticed here. It's folks stuck in a kind of suffering they can't even see. It's sad. It's also common for humans. The Buddha taught this 2600 years ago.
"Take what you can use and leave the rest" is one of the most important lessons I picked up in 12-step. There are others that come in handy, but I apply that rule everywhere. It seems relevant here.
Thanks Damon. Certainly it’s nothing new for us to witness the ignorance and futility of the unexamined mind. Glad you read my piece.
Me too
Ditto. That’s also my favorite slogan.
I’ve never understood it either. I am a cynic to the core so when I hear someone saying AA didn’t work for them, or something similar in regards to therapy not working for them my default assumption is always that the person making these statements didn’t do the work.
Also, if someone has only gone to a few meetings they aren’t even a position to comment on whether it worked or not. If you didn’t wholeheartedly do the 12 steps then you’re not even in a position to comment on it. It’s the equivalent of ordering a product, staring at the unopened box and commenting on the effectiveness of the product without having even trying it.
If you haven’t done the 12 steps to the best of your ability then your opinion is uninformed. You’re still entitled to have an opinion of course, but it doesn’t carry any weight.
And, like most online content, I’m sure some of it is pure rage bait. The person putting it out there is doing it for views and engagement.
Agreed 💯 Sean on all points. Thanks for reading.
Whoa. I hadn’t considered the rage bait angle.
37 years sober and still go to 2-3 meetings a week. Love learning from others and being in a space with people who are caring and living life sober. Thanks for the article.
Thank you for reading Shana. So glad to hear of your experience. 🙏
Gratuitous disparagement is almost always about the disparager but it still causes collateral damage to others.
FWIW I went to a few meetings of Al-Anon and it helped me frame the issues.
Agreed David. Thanks for reading. Glad you were able to draw some benefit.
Thanks for this excellent essay Dee. While I didn't participate in AA to get sober I don't know how anyone could disparage a program that has saved millions of lives around the world. There is, literally, nothing else like it in history and, whether it was what helped someone or not, that can't be denied.
I love that Ann was at a meeting about the things folks don't like about AA! Brilliant!
While I recognize that for many folks counting the number of days of sobriety is helpful, I tend to agree with you that it's not about any length of time but more about the internal change that must occur to maintain a sober lifestyle. Recovery is not about stopping the substance, it is much, much more.
Her story about the meeting was hilarious. Most of which I couldn’t repeat in print 😂
I hope you have a lovely weekend—it’s a Holiday for us down here. Start of summer yet for you?
Oh right, our holiday was, weirdly, last weekend. We will look forward to welcoming our American visitors to the valley. We are anticipating record numbers this year. Enjoy your weekend.
Very well said. I’ve seen some of the veiled or not so veiled swipes at 12 steps on Substack and other online forums. I too scratch my head wondering why the person felt the need to write a critique. If something else works for you to get clean/sober & live well, more power to you! I think you’re spot on in that it says a lot about the person who feels the need to criticize the program.
Agreed Chris. Thanks for reading and weighing in sir. Have a great weekend 🙏
I really appreciated this read, Dee. AA wasn’t my path to sobriety, but I did attend quite a few online meetings in my second or third year. I found them to be such beautiful spaces - so much humility, honesty, and genuine kindness. I was often moved to tears just witnessing and being a part of it. I know that’s not always the case and that every meeting is different, but what I know of the Steps lines up with other (non-AA) beliefs and practices that have been, and still are, vital to me and my ongoing sobriety.
Thank you Dana. It needed to be said. 🙏
My husband's AA chips were next to his photo at his memorial. They were his most prized possession, and the legacy my daughter holds most dear from her father. We all went through his program and remain the better for it, as a family and individuals. My daughter, now 28 years old, seeks it's replacement, not for addiction purposes, but for living wisdom. In our experience, churches fall very short. Churches speak in idealistic and judgmental tones, AA speaks reality and humility.
Bless you for sharing your story here. I’m so grateful 🙏
It is a family disorder and it’s so important for all family members to heal and better understand their loved one and their part in the process. ❤️
I will be in Al-Anon for the rest of my life.
Great essay sir. Today is day 1,213 for me.
“…people who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.”
“If you don’t heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”
A.A. Is the ONLY thing that worked for me. Because it forced me to get real with myself. To OWN MY SHIT.
Thanks for a great read and helping me get another day.
O.D.A.A.T.
👊🏻
Awesome. Great start (as they say ☺️)
Thanks for reading and getting real—and truly sober. 👏👏👏
The 12 Steps via Al-Anon changed my life, they woke me up right before I turned 40.
About the God part, I prefer "higher power" because it doesn't smack so much of organized religion.
It was at a meeting I heard someone say we get to define our higher power, and your higher power can be a pink Cadillac if that what works for you, or perhaps consider the group as a whole to be a higher power.
Just so long as we understand it means giving up our spot in the center of the universe where we think we know everything that we cling so hard to.
P.S. I've always loved Bill Burr.
I bet Bill Burr would like a pink Cadillac as a higher power if he needed one 😂
Thanks Logan I appreciate the comment and the laugh.
Ditto
The only thing I can tell people is that it worked for me, when nothing else did. I walked into the rooms utterly broken, having no hope that this would work, and hating myself for being with a bunch of complete losers who would no doubt fill my head with cheesy nonsense and slogans until I'd had enough and finally plucked up the courage to throw myself under a train.
That was five years ago. Been sober four and a half. So it works for me, it might work for you 😎
Fantastic Barsley! I don’t care who you are—walking in there for the first few times is rough for everyone. I haven’t seen a person walk in on a winning streak yet. 😉Congrats on four plus 🙏
Thanks to AA, I’ve been sober since July 8, 1992. Thank you for writing this article.
Thanks for reading Shirley.
100 %. Did you see my Note earlier this week? Here’s the text: No one has to get sober through AA. There are many paths to healing, and what works for one person may not work for another. That’s not just okay, it’s essential. I don’t speak for AA. I speak only from my own experience.
It’s not that anyone has to try AA. But what I find troubling is when someone publicly positions themselves against it based on a superficial impression formed in the fog of addiction—without actually understanding what they’re rejecting. They leave saying, “AA didn’t work for me”-and then use that as the foundation to market their own brand of sobriety-for a price. That’s not a critique. That’s a sales tactic.
Then comes the pivot: AA becomes the foil for a new offering, a new identity, a brand. And what started as avoidance becomes marketing.
You don’t have to love it. But if you never truly engaged with it, maybe don’t build your platform on the premise that you are adequately informed. Or even if you did engage with it and decided it didn’t work for you. Recovery doesn’t need more binary thinking. It needs truth. Humility. Integrity. And the willingness to say, this wasn’t my path, without turning that into a sales pitch for your way, and ironically, charging for it.
The harm isn’t in finding recovery on your own terms and outside AA. It’s in using a caricature of it as your launchpad. It’s unfair to the people still finding their way.
Sell your solution if you like, but don’t do it by trashing one of the miracles of the twentieth century you don’t even comprehend. “
No I did not see your note Kelly. Thanks for sharing it here 🙏
Thanks for your share. It was dispiriting to read a sober Substack post disparaging AA. I don’t need to diagnose the reason the poster needed to post, but I hope the first thought before posting about sobriety was a desire to help the still suffering alcoholic.
I’m back around the tables after being away for a while and I realize that my responsibility is to grasp the hand anyone who reaches out for help. By so doing, my 31 years of sobriety grows stronger.
Thanks for commenting with your experience Kathi 🙏
I love what you say about how it’s the after part that AA helped with — I am partial to the I came to quit drinking and stayed for the thinking, myself. And of course, a design for living.
I really apply the principles of the program everywhere : in my parenting, my marriage, walking in my own integrity — living an honest, true life.
One question for you : do you get shit for breaking the 11th tradition? Would love to hear your thoughts. I am on a quest to understand how the 11th tradition and the 12th step aren’t at odds, and why I am being told I ought not share my experience, when I was shocked as hell that AA worked (see my piece, Well Shit, this seems to be working)
Thank you for this generous piece 🙏
Some old timers might give me a hard time about sharing, but they’d never read my Substack ☺️
I can acknowledge the modern requirements of AA in 2025 vs 1935 and I’m OK with that. We have tools to use to help others now that they didn’t have.
Thanks for reading Kristen 🙏
I appreciate - and am not surprised - by that balanced response. I completely agree. For me, too, there is an immediate urgency — women are dying of alcoholism, and if I can share a tool that I rejected because of false perceptions for years, why would I not share that story? Which involves directly stating, Alcoholics Anonymous.
Thank you for the read 🙏
💯 agree. It is fundamentally what we are supposed to do in Step 12. Stigma and secrecy has killed far more than violating the 11th tradition.