Thanks Bowen! So psyched to be a part of the group.
I’m taken by your comments on OPKs and parents knowing more somehow.
You need a license to drive but there’s no qualification for parenting. You just suddenly are one. Some are good at it...many aren’t. I guess it’s like anything else, you’re good at what you direct your focus on. Many people are chronically distracted in life and therefore in parenting as well. No judgement. It is what it is: life.
I felt like I was meant to read this today. Thanks for sharing your story. Biological kids or not, you've clearly left a solid legacy on the earth through those important, loving relationships you've carefully built and nurtured.
I too always saw myself having kids when I was growing up, but by the time I got to my 40’s, divorced and with a new partner who said she didn’t want kids, I had to let that vision go. I actually got comfortable with it and then, because this is how the universe works, we ended up having a son! Being a father has grounded me in a way that nothing else ever did.
I love seeing you surrounded by your family. Father or not. Doesn’t matter. When I was traveling heavily with a band, we were all older, some with kids, some without, but either way one of our core values as a group was family first!
Well done Dee! Writing about parents or parenting is a challenge.
As the saying goes it only takes one person to change the life of a child and that person doesn't have to be their parent. In your case, it was your Dad but you are creating change in the lives of your nieces and the kids you work with in the recovery program. You are also giving all those gorgeous doggies a mighty fine life that they may not have had otherwise.
Reading the part about your nieces brought me to tears. I had many uncles in my life and a few of them were there for me in ways that no one else was. They were mentors in areas that my parents just didn't have going on and I will never forget that. It looks like that's what you're offering to your beautiful family.
Thanks for your contribution in this great series, I'm halfway through it.
Dee-- Thanks for bringing us home with this powerful piece. When I first saw the part of your draft I thought it was good. But what it became. Damn nice work.
"I do know that I have witnessed both wonderful and despicable examples of fatherhood up close and personally."
I think all too many of us have. When I read that I couldn't help but think of communal child-raising, where entire villages would band together to raise the children. Instead, we assume only the atomic family can raise their child, and we don't bother teaching them how to do it. The first time I'd ever seen how to deal with a tantruming child was shortly after I had my son. I wish there were more role models like you to help show new parents what it means to be a great father.
I love the family reunions your parents started hosting. The simple act of a celebration, together, every year, is so powerful. Coming together intentionally, especially when life is busy and it doesn't feel important. You're so lucky to have that opportunity. And I'm glad you do.
The other thread that really hit home was that your dad could intervene in your addiction. I don't suspect a lot of dads would know how to do that, and to have your dad there to help you when you needed it speaks volumes. I also think about that scene in the context of social media, when so many parents feel at a loss to intervene. I know parents who know the dangers but tell themselves it's either that or fight their kids and their kids' friends. It's really hard, even as the evidence and the action is actually simple.
So many powerful threads here. Your relentless work travel makes me think about how difficult is for fathers to have it all -- in a way, the world forced you to choose. So when we contribute to a work culture that is more flexible (hybrid, remote) and that encourages more people to take the vacation time that they earn, we are supporting participatory fatherhood as well as career opportunities for mothers.
But I mostly wanted to second David's point in his restack about how important a role you play in the lives of your nieces. One of my aunts is enough like a mother to me that I send her flowers on Mother's Day. Sometimes the relatives we see ourselves in most are not our parents. I like how our definition of fatherhood has expanded throughout this project. Thanks for running the final leg of this race!
Thanks Josh. Great observations all around. For sure I replicated my Dad’s work travel patterns...but I wasn’t leaving behind kids...only the opportunity to have any. 🤷🏻♂️
Appreciate your comments, and loved running the relay with y’all. I always was the anchor leg on my track squads so it felt right!
Well done, Dee! There is no doubt in my mind that you would have been a great father! In the meantime, keep being the "best uncle", loving caretaker of your pups and mate to Ann. Keep up the great writing!
Sep 24, 2023·edited Sep 24, 2023Liked by Dee Rambeau
Dee—I'm so glad to read this great piece from you to wrap up our series. Thank you.
"as close as I ever got" -- uff, yeah, I feel you there. Man, I didn't quite have the same vision for myself as a father early on, but I did come close a few times. I'm grateful for all of those relationships but there's still some regret there in that I too know that I could have been a great father. I'm relieved just about every day that I'm not, but when that feeling comes up in me, I know there's more there. No matter how much I'd like to, I just don't get to do everything in this one life.
"on a mission to consume love and attention" and "I was gone. All the time" -- Well said, my friend, well said. Same here. Even though I've hardly gotten on a plane this year, and I've only been away six weeks (van trips; very little for me!), many of my friends still know me as the guy who's always in motion, always away, always coming back from somewhere. I used to cherish that as part of my identity, and I'm still proud that "I've been most places," but I'm really really enjoying being in one place more these days. It's a relief ain't it? ...even though, my 32nd birthday, for example, that was a good one... began with a blowout Madrid, stopped in New York for a steak at Peter Luger that turned into an all-nighter, flew on home to SF the next day on two hours sleep with a world-class hangover but, by the time I arrived, I was able to continue the party. I don't want to repeat that, but I don't mind having it in the memory banks.
your dad's intervention! Wow. That's a story to tell, for sure. Nobody asked—or said anything to me, not even the therapist that I saw for ten years. We all have to learn our own lessons, for sure, but for fuck's sake.. really. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on "saying something" and how. Perhaps another piece there.
Something that's been coming up for me lately is that... nothing about having kids that makes one a better father—especially not at the start, but also, not necessarily even farther along. Seems obvious enough, but of course we assume that people with kids somehow magically know (more about) what they're doing in a way that those of us that don't, don't. My experience has been that when I'm with OPK (other people's kids), the impulse and instinct to father comes up clearly, immediately, and naturally. Obviously, not as much as it would if they were my kids! But it does, for sure, and man, lately, it's been good practice for me. Practice in the sense of how everything is a practice, and in that we learn from practice. It's been challenging, and very much a learning experience.
I never thought I'd be a bachelor or the uncle with no kids either, but here we are — and, life is good.
Thanks again for writing, and for joining us.
By the way, here's an earlier piece of mine on "why" I don't have children of my own:
Dee, I can't help but come to the end of this and think what a triumph it is. There's sadness turned to understanding, and also the joy of your nieces and the pup clan. Thank you for this wonderful piece.
Your whole post was a joy to read, but what stayed with me the most is the bonds you've formed with your four nieces. Historically, people lived in kinship as opposed to nuclear families (better phrase needed!––"solar families?").
I think we as a society underestimate the value of these kinship relationships with uncles, aunts, grandparents, and cousins.
There are things you as an uncle can do and say that have a different resonance and perspective than parents, all the while being motivated by love. That wonderful scrapbook is proof of the impact you've had and the closeness of the relationships you've developed.
Hey, Dee. Came on over here from your 12/9 marriage essay. I referred there to my father and his changing his life. It was because of a heart attack at 64 that very close to killed him. He lived to 94, and he was a changed man after, his relationship with all his children so much the better for it. Second chances at life can do that.
Oh man. Strong parallels. Thank God they both survived that early scare. Sounds like a positive wake up for both men. Thanks for sharing AJ. I just love to hear that. So many of my friends over the years lost their fathers early before any reconciliation could ever happen. 🙏
A wonderful, heart-warming essay. It seems you have turned your circumstances into opportunities - making the most of sobriety. And your family relationships are a testament to your character!
Thanks Latham. After reading y’all’s I knew I had to take the bar higher. ☺️
I appreciate your words about my essay. I found your essay so incredible and thought-provoking. Can’t wait for the next group theme project. 🙏
Same here. I've been thinking a lot about it.
Thanks Bowen! So psyched to be a part of the group.
I’m taken by your comments on OPKs and parents knowing more somehow.
You need a license to drive but there’s no qualification for parenting. You just suddenly are one. Some are good at it...many aren’t. I guess it’s like anything else, you’re good at what you direct your focus on. Many people are chronically distracted in life and therefore in parenting as well. No judgement. It is what it is: life.
I felt like I was meant to read this today. Thanks for sharing your story. Biological kids or not, you've clearly left a solid legacy on the earth through those important, loving relationships you've carefully built and nurtured.
Thank you so much Emma. I’m glad it touched you. 🙏
Well done as always my friend.
I too always saw myself having kids when I was growing up, but by the time I got to my 40’s, divorced and with a new partner who said she didn’t want kids, I had to let that vision go. I actually got comfortable with it and then, because this is how the universe works, we ended up having a son! Being a father has grounded me in a way that nothing else ever did.
I love seeing you surrounded by your family. Father or not. Doesn’t matter. When I was traveling heavily with a band, we were all older, some with kids, some without, but either way one of our core values as a group was family first!
Great read. Thanks man
Thanks Bill. I appreciate knowing a little more about your story 🙏
Well, sorry for the long ass comment, but you got my juices flowin!
😎
Hey Dee, I so enjoyed this read and love your style of storytelling.
I appreciated the aspects of vulnerability weaved through this too.
I love Gabor Matè’s work also.
The photo of your nieces all behind you brought a smile to my face.
Thank you so much Kat! I appreciate you reading it. Tough one but also joyful one ❤️
Well done Dee! Writing about parents or parenting is a challenge.
As the saying goes it only takes one person to change the life of a child and that person doesn't have to be their parent. In your case, it was your Dad but you are creating change in the lives of your nieces and the kids you work with in the recovery program. You are also giving all those gorgeous doggies a mighty fine life that they may not have had otherwise.
Reading the part about your nieces brought me to tears. I had many uncles in my life and a few of them were there for me in ways that no one else was. They were mentors in areas that my parents just didn't have going on and I will never forget that. It looks like that's what you're offering to your beautiful family.
Thanks for your contribution in this great series, I'm halfway through it.
Dee-- Thanks for bringing us home with this powerful piece. When I first saw the part of your draft I thought it was good. But what it became. Damn nice work.
"I do know that I have witnessed both wonderful and despicable examples of fatherhood up close and personally."
I think all too many of us have. When I read that I couldn't help but think of communal child-raising, where entire villages would band together to raise the children. Instead, we assume only the atomic family can raise their child, and we don't bother teaching them how to do it. The first time I'd ever seen how to deal with a tantruming child was shortly after I had my son. I wish there were more role models like you to help show new parents what it means to be a great father.
I love the family reunions your parents started hosting. The simple act of a celebration, together, every year, is so powerful. Coming together intentionally, especially when life is busy and it doesn't feel important. You're so lucky to have that opportunity. And I'm glad you do.
The other thread that really hit home was that your dad could intervene in your addiction. I don't suspect a lot of dads would know how to do that, and to have your dad there to help you when you needed it speaks volumes. I also think about that scene in the context of social media, when so many parents feel at a loss to intervene. I know parents who know the dangers but tell themselves it's either that or fight their kids and their kids' friends. It's really hard, even as the evidence and the action is actually simple.
Thank you for sharing this my friend.
So many powerful threads here. Your relentless work travel makes me think about how difficult is for fathers to have it all -- in a way, the world forced you to choose. So when we contribute to a work culture that is more flexible (hybrid, remote) and that encourages more people to take the vacation time that they earn, we are supporting participatory fatherhood as well as career opportunities for mothers.
But I mostly wanted to second David's point in his restack about how important a role you play in the lives of your nieces. One of my aunts is enough like a mother to me that I send her flowers on Mother's Day. Sometimes the relatives we see ourselves in most are not our parents. I like how our definition of fatherhood has expanded throughout this project. Thanks for running the final leg of this race!
Thanks Josh. Great observations all around. For sure I replicated my Dad’s work travel patterns...but I wasn’t leaving behind kids...only the opportunity to have any. 🤷🏻♂️
Appreciate your comments, and loved running the relay with y’all. I always was the anchor leg on my track squads so it felt right!
Well done, Dee! There is no doubt in my mind that you would have been a great father! In the meantime, keep being the "best uncle", loving caretaker of your pups and mate to Ann. Keep up the great writing!
Thank you my friend. I appreciate you subscribing as well! Youdaman!
Dee—I'm so glad to read this great piece from you to wrap up our series. Thank you.
"as close as I ever got" -- uff, yeah, I feel you there. Man, I didn't quite have the same vision for myself as a father early on, but I did come close a few times. I'm grateful for all of those relationships but there's still some regret there in that I too know that I could have been a great father. I'm relieved just about every day that I'm not, but when that feeling comes up in me, I know there's more there. No matter how much I'd like to, I just don't get to do everything in this one life.
"on a mission to consume love and attention" and "I was gone. All the time" -- Well said, my friend, well said. Same here. Even though I've hardly gotten on a plane this year, and I've only been away six weeks (van trips; very little for me!), many of my friends still know me as the guy who's always in motion, always away, always coming back from somewhere. I used to cherish that as part of my identity, and I'm still proud that "I've been most places," but I'm really really enjoying being in one place more these days. It's a relief ain't it? ...even though, my 32nd birthday, for example, that was a good one... began with a blowout Madrid, stopped in New York for a steak at Peter Luger that turned into an all-nighter, flew on home to SF the next day on two hours sleep with a world-class hangover but, by the time I arrived, I was able to continue the party. I don't want to repeat that, but I don't mind having it in the memory banks.
your dad's intervention! Wow. That's a story to tell, for sure. Nobody asked—or said anything to me, not even the therapist that I saw for ten years. We all have to learn our own lessons, for sure, but for fuck's sake.. really. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on "saying something" and how. Perhaps another piece there.
Something that's been coming up for me lately is that... nothing about having kids that makes one a better father—especially not at the start, but also, not necessarily even farther along. Seems obvious enough, but of course we assume that people with kids somehow magically know (more about) what they're doing in a way that those of us that don't, don't. My experience has been that when I'm with OPK (other people's kids), the impulse and instinct to father comes up clearly, immediately, and naturally. Obviously, not as much as it would if they were my kids! But it does, for sure, and man, lately, it's been good practice for me. Practice in the sense of how everything is a practice, and in that we learn from practice. It's been challenging, and very much a learning experience.
I never thought I'd be a bachelor or the uncle with no kids either, but here we are — and, life is good.
Thanks again for writing, and for joining us.
By the way, here's an earlier piece of mine on "why" I don't have children of my own:
https://open.substack.com/pub/bowendwelle/p/the-man-pays
Thank you Donna. Your words always bring ☺️
I’m doing the best I can, like we all do every day 🙏
Dee, I can't help but come to the end of this and think what a triumph it is. There's sadness turned to understanding, and also the joy of your nieces and the pup clan. Thank you for this wonderful piece.
Ben, I would agree with your comment that there is Triumph in understanding. And with respect to addiction recovery it’s truly a daily one.
Thanks Ben! It’s a hefty matter to be sure 😉
It's a hefty matter indeed. I have my own daily travails, and I've found that showing up is the key, perhaps as the case with you.
💯 my friend. Showing up is half the battle.
Dee,
Your whole post was a joy to read, but what stayed with me the most is the bonds you've formed with your four nieces. Historically, people lived in kinship as opposed to nuclear families (better phrase needed!––"solar families?").
I think we as a society underestimate the value of these kinship relationships with uncles, aunts, grandparents, and cousins.
There are things you as an uncle can do and say that have a different resonance and perspective than parents, all the while being motivated by love. That wonderful scrapbook is proof of the impact you've had and the closeness of the relationships you've developed.
Best,
David
robertsdavidn.substack.com/about
Thank you for your kind words David. I’ve always been fascinated by those kinship relationships and have nurtured them.
Hey, Dee. Came on over here from your 12/9 marriage essay. I referred there to my father and his changing his life. It was because of a heart attack at 64 that very close to killed him. He lived to 94, and he was a changed man after, his relationship with all his children so much the better for it. Second chances at life can do that.
Oh man. Strong parallels. Thank God they both survived that early scare. Sounds like a positive wake up for both men. Thanks for sharing AJ. I just love to hear that. So many of my friends over the years lost their fathers early before any reconciliation could ever happen. 🙏
A wonderful, heart-warming essay. It seems you have turned your circumstances into opportunities - making the most of sobriety. And your family relationships are a testament to your character!
Susie, I appreciate your words. Those of us in active recovery can certainly recognize the necessity of examining our own lives and taking action. 🙏
That’s for sure. We are very lucky.
What a beautiful essay, thank you!
Thank you so much.